Courtney’s One Sentence Movie Reviews

Stranger Things (Netflix)

Stranger Things

(Season 1 2016)

Not only is this the best monster flick I’ve ever seen it’s also like 7 hrs long.

COURTNEY TAYLOR-TAYLOR

London Has Fallen (2016)

London Has Fallen

(2016)

Take Dramamine as the dialogue may cause nausea and vomiting.

COURTNEY TAYLOR-TAYLOR

BARRY LYNDON (1975)

Barry Lyndon

(1975)

Still the most beautiful films ever made and seems more amazing every time I watch it.

COURTNEY TAYLOR-TAYLOR

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

(2016)

This flick is awesome but I would never have watched it if I wasnt told that she doesn’t get captured raped or tortured.

zoolander2

Zoolander 2

(2016)

Exactly as funny and hard to sit through as the first one.

The Revenant

The Revenant

(2015)

Miserable.

deadpool

Deadpool

(2016)

Deadpool has taken witty repartee to a whole new level where there’s a little room left for ass whoopin and even less room left for movie‎s.

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Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

(2016)

So great that I kinda wished they’d just made Pride And Prejudice while they had this smokin hot cast.

Galaxy Quest (1999)

Galaxy Quest

(1999)

It’s tight and slick in ways that are extinct in cinema often for good reason yet still this thing had me in fugging convulsions.

 

HAIL CAESAR (2016)

Hail, Caesar!

(2016)

A nearly perfect highbrow romp thru the golden age of the silver screen.

 

Star Wars VII: The Force Awakens

Star Wars VII: The Force Awakens

(2015)

It’s amazing after all the abuse this franchise has taken at the hands of the original ewok that there is finally a new Star Wars movie that’s even better the second time.

 

 The Martian (2015)

The Martian

(2015)

 Just proves that Ridley is the best filmmaker on Earth AND on Mars.

 

Scorch Trials (2015)

Scorch Trials

(2015)

If you have to watch two hours of movie video game you pray that this one is it.

 

Mad Max Fury Road (2015)

Mad Max: Fury Road

(2015)

I just watched a video game for two hours because someone told me it got like 98% on Rotten Tomatoes.

 

kingsman_the_secret_service_ver7_xxlg

Kingsmen

(2014)

 As with everyone else I avoided this film due to the trailer which advertised it as being a cheap and zany send-up of old spy movies but turns out it is powerfully deep as well as kicking a lot of ass and since I’ve watched it twice already I get the feeling this one is gonna be with me for the rest of my life.

 

 Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (2011)

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

(2011)

Apparently I wouldn’t make a good spy because I have no idea what just happened.

 

 Exodus (2014)

Exodus: Gods and Kings

(2014)

I musta said Holy Shit about twenty times.

.

 

 Lords of Dogtown (2005)

Lords of Dogtown

(2005)

I really tried but even on an airplane I couldn’t get more than a little ways in before I had to turn it off so I guess i’ll just hafta watch Dogtown. 

 

 Birdman (2014)

Birdman

(2014)

If theatre has become just an excuse to write snappy dialogue then film about theatre is just  an excuse to write snappy dialogue on steroids.

 

Book of Eli (2010)

Book of Eli

(2010)

Somehow this goofy Christian redux of The Road Warrior with amazing look and feel ends up a little flat.

 

From Time To Time (2009)

From Time to Time

(2009)

Weird sad and boring but I kinda liked it.

 

The Interview (2014)

The Interview

(2014)

I don’t know if there’s ever been a better man for exactly this kind of job than Franco.

 

Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)

Guardians of the Galaxy

(2014)

If you’re lucky enough to miss the opening scene this movie might be the best of its ilk.

 

Dracula Untold (2014)

Dracula Untold

(2014)

 Only in your most desperate hour.

 

A Christmas Story (1983)

A Christmas Story

(1983)

 Hands down the ultimate Christmas movie.

 

Hear and Now (2007)

Hear and Now

(2007)

I’m trying to find a reason not to say that this is the most important film I’ve ever seen but really this is the most important film I’ve ever seen.

 

Hundred Foot Journey 2014

The Hundred Foot Journey

(2014)

What foodie could’ve imagined a heartfelt movie about food produced by Oprah the foodie Winfrey.

 

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (2004)

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow

(2004)

For being the coolest looking movie I’ve ever seen it sure was hard to get through.

 

LOTR-Tri

The Lord of the Rings Trilogy

(2001-03)

Yes they’re basically monster movies and yes the female characters have as much development as a drippy nosed 14 year old boy BUT every winter I watch them religiously with a fire going and candles burning and every winter I love them.

 

Her (2013)

Her

(2013)

Her is to dialogue what Cirque du Soleil is to tents.

 

Jodo's Dune (2013)

Jodorowsky’s Dune

(2013)

We’re supposed to come away wishing he had been allowed to make DUNE but if you’ve seen El Topo and Holy Mountain then you know that for all his stunning visuals he still had the narrative skills of a drunk cokehead.

 

Godzilla 2014

Godzilla

(2014)

They had a great thing goin until some dumbass decided to make it about kids losing their parents and thus insuring that it sucks.

 

Noah (2014)

Noah

(2014)

They got the look of the film right but then the movie is just one thing after another that they got wrong.

 

Noah (2014)

Noah

(2014)

They got the look of the film right but then the movie is just one thing after another that they got wrong.

 

The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

The Empire Strikes Back

(1980)

I didn’t hate the Empire nearly as much for blowing up Alderaan as I did for making this movie leave the ice planet Hoth.

 

Escape From New York (1981)

Escape from New York

(1981)

If this isn’t in your top twenty then you’re my mom.

 

Men At Lunch (2012)

Men at Lunch

(2012)

A good idea charming enough and not a huge time commitment.

 

The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014)

The Grand Budabest Hotel

(2014)

When yer really really good and yer really really successful you get to carry your friends who have maybe fallen over the years but that’s okay cuz like I said when yer really really good…

 

August-Osage-County-(2013)

August: Osage County

(2013)

Why.

 

American Hustle (2013)

American Hustle

(2013)

Almost completely amazing.

 

Inside-Llewyn-Davis-(2013)

Inside Llewyn Davis

(2013)

Aptly reviewed by my friend who told me to ignore the first scene then hold onto my hat.

 

In A World (2013)

In A World…

(2013)

So good I’ve been trying for like three weeks and can’t find a sentence pithy enough so there that’s my pithy enough sentence. *(Pithy twice in one sentence copyright 2014 Courtney Taylor-Taylor.)

 

Farewell To Arms (1932)

A Farewell To Arms

(1932)

The opening camera move tells you that you’re in for like two hours of spectacular filmmaking.

 

Mission-Impossible-2

Mission Impossible II

(2000)

I can only tell you that there is some seriously goofy business going on in the first 19 or so minutes.

 

Hunger Games (2012)

Hunger Games

(2012)

Lord of the Flies meets Dr. Who.

 

Elysium (2013)

Elysium

(2013)

It had a really good poster.

 

Hear and Now (2007)

Hear And Now

(2007)

In this 85 minutes I think i learned more about what people are than in any other 85 minutes.

 

 This Is The End (2013)

This Is The End

(2013)

Well its kinda like THE END OF THE OLD AS WE KNEW IT except then it’s super ultra mega.

 

Turtle (2011)

Turtle: The Incredible Journey

(2011)

Holy moley you cannot make this shit up.

 

super 8 (2011)

Super 8

(2011)

Iron Giant meets The Gooneys on steroids and swearing like they’re The Bad News Bears is awesome.

 

upside down (2012)

Upside Down

(2012)

How can you pull off such an incredibly difficult and visionary undertaking but then fuck up on the easy parts?

 

Downton

Game of Thrones, Downton Abbey, Sherlock

 

Since I don’t see them til they’ve been going for years I love this new trend in cinema where they make like an 80 hour movie and every 50 minutes they give you the option to stop.

 

Troy (2004)

Troy

(2004)

Ajax doesn’t die in the Iliad nor was he a giant biker but besides that its pretty awesome.

 

Oz The Great And Powerful (2013)

Oz The Great and Powerful

(2013)

Oh my god it’s amazing.

 

The-Great-Gatsby-2013

The Great Gatsby

(2013)

So inappropriately cast that even I couldn’t make it to wherever it is that Leonardo DiCaprio comes in.

 

Cloud Atlas-(2012)

Cloud Atlas

(2012)

Reminds me of the girls I used to date: deep sad beautiful and a total fucking mess.

 

Hansel and Gretel (2013)

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

(2013)

Life in the Dark Ages was hard and bloody because all they had to fight witches with was some holy water, a repeating crossbow, two grenade launching assault rifles and a 65mm Gattling gun.

 

Jack Reacher (2012)

Jack Reacher

(2012)

As far as action movies go he’s not exactly at the top of his class but still a Jack Reacheround is always good fun for boys.

 

Flight (2012)

Flight

(2012)

Super stupid.

 

Life of Pi (2012)

Life of Pi

(2012)

Sitting through the first half hour’s worth of Wes Anderson film cliches and real precious acting made ME feel like the fugging caged tiger BUT FEAR NOT cuz once this thing settles into itself it actually lives up to the vomitbagful of hype it’s gotten.

 

Batman Begins (2005)

Batman Begins

(2005)

I didn’t remember it being this bad.

 

Django-Unchained-(2012)

Django Unchained

(2012)

So much violent fun-fun I almost needed a nap in the middle.

 

The Bourne Legacy (2012)

The Bourne Legacy

(2012)

Shit is tight.

 

Moonlight Kingdom

(2012)

When this movie was over it took about a minute and twenty seconds for me to start it again.

 

The Master

(2012)

It’s like the value pack of artistic credibility: you pay for just over two hours but you feel like you got about four.

 

Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll

(2010)

Mostly miserable.

 

Karate Kid

(2010)

Hottest choreography I’ve seen since I saw Book of Mormon.

 

 

X-Men First Class

(2011)

I really love these movies but damned those writers have a klunky bitch of a time trying to rationalize out all the goofy names and costumes.

 

 

Heckler

(2007)

This is a great film and I think we can all agree that as a whole comedians are the coolest people in the world but if they read their own press they’re an idiot.

 

 

Kick-Ass

(2010)

This movie really totally does kick ass.

 

 

John Carter

(2012)

Why did they have to include acting?

 

 

Hemingway & Gellhorn

(2012)

Occasionally well written and occasionally well acted crappy movie.

 

 

The Iron Lady

(2011)

Jesus could they possibly have made it any more depressing?

 

A Dangerous Method

(2011)

damn this movie’s smart

 

X-Men

(2000)

Not great but for some reason I don’t mind this type of cheese

 

Atlas Shrugged

(2011)

They didn’t even manage to get it to look like a real movie.

 

Khartoum

(1966)

Not UH-MAY-ZING!!!! but in scope and beauty more like just a good old fashioned amazing.

 

The Help

(2011)

Fundamentally not a very good movie but I believe they had their hearts in the right place.

 

True Grit

(2010)

This falls into the category of Amazing Cohen Bros Movies with Squirrelly Endings.

 

Moneyball

(2011)

See, all you need is amazing writing, a few of the best actors on earth, god’s own director and a few million bucks and anyone can make a great movie.

 

The Mrs. Bradley Mysteries

“Speedy Death”

It really is amazing what a handful of British actors can do with a video camera and a couple good quality fill-lights.

 

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

(2011)

These two guys are particularly fun to watch in these two roles but the movie is such a mess that I found myself with way too much time to think things like B minus

 

Cowboys & Aliens

(2011)

It was really only about three problems which took this movie from sweet to sucks and all of them were as easily fixable as the title.

 

The Yes Men Fix the World

(2009)

Yes the Yes men are awesome and Yes its clear to me now just how futile it is to try and help.

 

Cool World

(1992)

This fiasco brings up a whole list of questions not the least of which is wtf?

 

The Andromeda Strain

(1971)

A boring good time in a science-in-the-70’s kinda way.

 

Tron: Legacy

(2010)

Wow what a mess.

 

The Battle of Culloden

(1964)

Well if they’re trying to convince me that the English are the lowest form of sicko in all of history then I guess I gotta hand it to em.

 

Little Fockers

(2010)

What I’d like to know is who the little fockers are that couldn’t pull off three funny movies in a row.

 

ned_kelly

Ned Kelly

(2003)

I really wanted to like this movie but it seemed to be written by an eight year old and scored by someone way too special.

Second review: All I can tell you about this movie is there’s about fifteen minutes of not-very-good-movie right at the beginning.

 

Apocalypto

(2006)

If two hours of gut-wrenching human suffering torture and abuse is your thing….

 

Hud

(1963)

It’s “Giant” meets “Baby Doll” with Paul Newman as a hot sociopath.

 

The Kid Stays in the Picture

(2002)

Dude I know exactly how you feel dude.

 

Pirate Radio

(2009)

How did they fit this much awesome into a movie about one boat?

 

The Long Long Trailer

(1953)

If two hours of frustration set in a 50’s trailer home sounds like fun to you then hit the road with, uh….Tacey and Nicky?

 

The Final Countdown

(1980)

Top Gun does Fantasy Island.

 

Them!

(1954)

It’s like a post-nuke version of Aliens starring John Wayne.

 

The Naked Gun

(1988)

Sure I laughed a lot but then they put all the people with one line into the credits with their entire line in quotations next to their name and that’s when I nearly peed my pants.

 

Lady Jane

(1986)

Wow what a story and wow what a movie this will be once I’ve edited out about 30 minutes of total rubbish.

 

Topsy Turvy

(1999)

Who woulda guessed that a three hour movie about Gilbert and Sullivan would be a little boring?

 

Evil Under the Sun

(1982)

This is my favorite go-to genre for staying in and watching a movie and this is hands down my favorite movie of the genre.

 

Knight and Day

(2010)

Cute like an episode of Leverage but where they get to use the F word.

 

Waltz with Bashir

(2008)

I thought this animation was the most amazing thing I’d ever seen til the end when they do a clumsy switch to film and I suddenly felt like I just spent 90 minutes listening to a serial killer blame someone else.

 

The Rite

(2011)

I liked it but I also realized that when I say that Anthony Hopkins can carry anything I actually mean anything but the last 25 minutes of this almostawesome exorcism thriller.

 

Stone

(2010)

If you’ve got nothing better to do this is a heavy little movie with great acting and a “spiritual” ending that won’t fail to disappoint.

 

Shakes the Clown

(1991)

They don’t call it the Citizen Kane of alcoholic clown movies for nothin’.

 

I Am Number Four

(2011)

A rare instance where the movie is better than the book, but that said, I hope the Aussie chick who comes in at the end can learn to subdue her acting or she’ll likely ruin the sequels.

 

Inside Job

(2010)

It’s comforting to know that a large percentage of our national debt went directly into the pockets of some good old-fashioned American shitbags.

 

Season of the Witch

(2011)

Watchable, but you gotta really want it.

 

Country Strong

(2010)

If back in 2002 you had a t-shirt proclaiming “American Proud” then the title alone says this movie is for you.

 

There Will Be Blood

(2007)

It’s as amazing as everyone says it is but man if someone can write an ending for this movie it would totally be worth the money getting this cast and crew back together to shoot it and edit it in.

 

Alexander

(2004)

Oh god look at his hair hahaha ohohoho oh no is that an Irish accent ohmygosh look at that other guys hair oh ha teeheeheehee hahaha oh no now look at that other-other guy’s hair oh whahahaha oh fuggit let’s watch There Will Be Blood.

 

The Other Guys

(2010)

Between whoever the geniuses are that wrote this, the able director and the humungo cast, they’ve invented about eighty new kinds of funny here and literally all but about four sent me into proper hysterics.

 

Cairo Time

(2009)

Middle aged woman goes to Egypt by herself and can’t carry this movie.

 

City Island

(2009)

I think this is about the worst movie I’ve ever liked enough to watch all the way through.

 

Another Year

(2010)

Well it’s depressing, it’s English, it’s about “getting older” and it’s absolutely perfect but what its really about is “whoa, who the fugg cast this?” about every single time a new character enters the film.

 

Fair Game

(2010)

It gets off to a rough start but please hang in there because it’s important to be reminded how absolutely disgusting it felt to be an American travelling abroad from 2000 thru 2008 and why.

 

The King’s Speech

(2010)

The English do such a good job on their royalty movies like this, the Queen, George II, and even that other little politician get this high and tight, quality treatment and I like it every time.

 

All Good Things

(2010)

An interesting and very good Hitchcockish way around telling a creepy murder mystery story.

 

Babies

(2010)

Wow…like wtf?

 

Please Give

(2010)

Oops, did we forget to ditch that crappy old working title and call it “Short Cuts vs. Hannah and Her Sisters” or maybe just “Hey Everybody, There’s Some Killer Dialogue In Here”?

 

The Social Network

(2010)

Yes I think it’s actually that good, yes I think Trent actually did totally slay on the scoring, and yes most of the time I thought I was watching Michael Cera.

 

The Edge

(1997)

Never mind that from the scoring to the directing to the writing to the acting pretty much everyone but Anthony Hopkins fucked up some major shit, cuz somehow this movie is still really awesome.

 

Bubble

(2005)

When making this “style” of indie realist film there is no margin for errors and one of the many things that make this movie amazing is I think there actually aren’t any.

 

Centurion

(2010)

Some fine cinematography but the gratuitous amounts of blood and mutilation make it only slightly more disgusting than the dialogue and lack of authenticity in detail make it ridiculous.

 

The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call – New Orleans

(2009)

Okay, so if cops just smoked more crack they could fix everything, right?

 

Bottle Shock

(2008)

Wow, this is one of the worst after school specials I’ve ever seen (hammy writing, flagrant overacting etc.), yet I must’ve been asked about thirty times if I’d seen it.

 

Johnny Dangerously

(1984)

who woulda guessed that this movie was actually really funny?

 

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

(2009)

Whoa, for a second there I thought Agatha Christie was alive and well and writing under a Swedish pseudonym and oh, watching way too much Law & Order SVU.

 

Becket

(1964)

In spite of Peter O’Toole’s over-the-top performance, this movie somehow manages to still be totally boring.

 

The Warriors

(1979)

I love this hairdresser’s idea of a 70’s gang flick.

 

The Mod Squad

(1999)

Criminally bad movie.

 

Das Experiment

(2001)

Based on an actual experiment regarding the sickest part of human nature, this horrific and ironically German film is going to be real hard to get out of my head.

 

The Narrows

(2008)

A well-handled Brooklyn mob flick with a real cute boy and a real cute girl.

 

A Serious Man

(2009)

A nifty but noticeably unsatisfying jewish movie for jewish people about jewishness and jewish things on top of which they had a hard time thinking up an ending again.

 

Jerry Maguire

(1996)

Dude, I totally cried n shit.

 

The Special Relationship

(2010)

At first it seems like a very astute movie about the true nature of relationships, but on a deeper level it’s about how great Tony Blair was and how Bill Clinton was a real shitbag.

 

Death of a President

(2006)

Oh my god, it’s a veritable coup d’etat of great acting, directing, editing, writing, cinematograhy, thinking and above all genius casting. Wow, this is genius on every level.  See it now if you didn’t then.

 

Lost in La Mancha

(2002)

If you’ve booked your elderly lead because he looks pathetic enough to play Don Quixote, or if you’re going to lease a nearly wothless tract of land to shoot in Spain when the Spaniard leasing agent says “well there’s only one leetle problem with it”,  just walk away.

 

Intermission

(2003)

There’s some great performances and some great clever writing here but ultimately someone should’ve lobotomized this writer before he was actually allowed to complete the “4th wall breaking” part of this mess.

 

The Savages

(2007)

It took me a good 30 minutes befor I went “ew, what an awful idea for a movie” and turned it off.

 

On The Beach

(1959)

Even if it weren’t Gregory Peck, Anthony Perkins, Ava Gardner and Fred Astaire it would still be a tedious little overwritten doomsday flick from the nuclear-scare era.

 

Iron Man 2

(2010)

Oh man wouldn’t it be great if all the big blockbuster or really any of the lowest common denominator type movies from now on tried to live up to this level of dialogue and acting and filmmaking and uh…..oh, um never mind.

 

Shutter Island

(2010)

Sorry, can’t do the dead kids thing cuz it makes me wanna scream “fuck you, you sick fucks” at everyone involved in this project.

 

The Jazz Singer

(1927)

Holy shit, Al Jolson looks exactly like Steve Martin!

 

Tremors

(1990)

They’re trying to be real wacky and zany here but after about fifteen minutes I just couldn’t tolerate how much it sucked.

 

Point Blank

(1967)

This movie is so totally fuggin cool that I didnt really mind the little bit of bad acting and editing which included some real ham-fisting by Star Trek’s very own Dr Roger Corby whose name it took me going to sleep and waking up to fully recall without any help from imdb.

 

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

(2009)

Being quite familiar with Gilliam’s progression I feel I can safely say that this visual extravaganza was not made one iota more confusing by the untimely passing of that wonderful Heath Ledger than it otherwise wouldve been.

 

I Love You Man

(2009)

Did a good job of making me real uncomfortable for an hour and forty-four minutes and I did laugh but only until they’d bring in the toothless indie acoustic rock songs for the Starbucks thirty-something viewers and that, of course, would totally kill my buzz.

 

Hair

(1979)

About every five to seven years I really try to like this movie but I think the bigger problem here than Treat Williams’ eyebrows is that I just can’t dig on any of these tunes.

 

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

(2008)

Don’t let the lame-ass “Something-ing Someone” title fool you, this flick is only about twelve lines shy of being the perfect gutbusting break up comedy of all time.

 

Spellbound

(1945)

This film is awesome, and as per usual with this era, it starts out slow and clunky, but as per usual with Hitchcock, once it gets going it REALLY gets going.

 

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

(1968)

Ian Fleming, Albert Broccoli, Roald Dahl, c’mon, there is no doubt in my mind that this is the most perfect example in its genre but just wait til the version comes out where I edit away the two songs that just don’t live up.

 

The 5000 Fingers of Dr. T.

(1953)

I guess I can see why Dr. Seuss hated the way this turned out but still it is a must-see and don’t forget to look for things that ended up in The Simpsons.

 

Fantastic Mr. Fox

(2009)

Oh okay, he really IS the fantastic Mr. Clooney.

 

Brideshead Revisited

(2008)

I usually adore this kind of thing but not only was the dialogue glaringly sub-par, but if I wanted to watch people act and direct I’d get myself invited to the set.

 

Where The Wild Things Are

(2009)

Ahhhhhh there’s nothing to make ya feel sad, scared and alone in the world like a kids movie about how everybody is sad, scared and alone in the world.

 

Empire of the Sun

(1987)

The bonus here is that this fantastic Spielberg/Stoppard epic was made before Malkovich had a chute into his head, before Ben Stiller was funny then not funny, and before Christian Bale thought that acting meant talking in that silly voice.

 

Grey Gardens (2)

(2009)

Not that I have ever seen a movie with her in it before (not even E.T.), but I’ll still bet you that I wasn’t half as surprised as Drew was to find out that she can seriously act.

 

The Edukators

(2004)

This is a perfect indie film: it’s about flawed idealism colliding with flawed ideals and it just so happens that the filmmaker’s skillz are awesome enough to pull it off.

 

Forbidden Planet

(1956)

As silly as you think it’s going to be, but Star Trek lifts heavily from it so ya may as well rent it anyway.

 

Bright Young Things

(2003)

Another new favorite, this one’s like Almost Famous set in London’s version of F. Scott Fitzgeraldom.

 

Birth

(2004)

Whoa, this is one of the best movies I’ve ever seen and I’ve gotta say that the director really blew my mind…..well, on everything but the name.

 

The Purple Plain

(1954)

Certainly the most un-epic war film I’ve ever seen, but almost anything around this era with Gregory Peck is worth watching.

 

On Edge

(2001)

Real good people tried real hard, alas “real good movie” was real “not in the cards”

 

Charade

(1963)

The all-star cast helps a lot to make this one of the best films of the later Hitchcock-style genre.

 

Firefly & Serenity

(2002 & 2005)

Firefly:  Ok, this show is one of my favorite things ever… but that said, I just wanna warn you that to truly get the epic experience out of it that we all so desperately desire, you’ll have to earn it by patiently cringing through some good size chunks of cheese. Serenity:  Surprisingly, most of this movie comes across like a campy send-up of the show, but once again if you just hang in there…

 

Burn After Reading

(2008)

Um, good enough.

 

Iron Giant

(1999)

Within the first ten minutes I was saying “am I crazy or is this my new favorite movie”, and kept on saying it through to the end.

 

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

(2008)

The writers were showing off, the cast and crew were showing off, the dp the editor the director the agents everyone to the point where I guess if you wanna make a movie this profound its gonna take a lot of fuggin show offs.

 

Educating Rita

(1983)

A great example of where the English always have had the market cornered on dorky little movies delivering the heaviest of life messages.

 

Duck Soup

(1933)

Apparently I don’t find Groucho Marx at all funny ever.

 

UP

(2009)

Although this potent series of life metaphors was enjoyable (when it wasn’t being too sad or boring),I ultimately found it a bit unsatisfying as a movie.

 

TORN CURTAIN

(1966)

I kinda liked this late-era Hitchcock film, but it wins my awards for both “Weirdest Title Sequence in a Movie” and “Worst Opening Scene Between a Horribly Miscast Couple Ever”.

 

MANUFACTURED LANDSCAPES

(2006)

Although this is fairly interesting and terrifying through and through, he never seems to rereach the bar he sets with his stupendous opening shot.

 

Saved

(2004)

For Stipe so loved gay, pregnant, and crippled teens that he produced this produced this cultworthy little “after-jesus-school-special.”

 

Pork Chop Hill

(1959)

Not even a pantload of lame 50’s dialogue and a million screamin chinamen can stop Gregory Peck from making this movie watchable.

 

Arsenic and Old Lace

(1944)

A cute little story about murder featuring an unforgivably not-funny performance by Cary Grant.

 

Il Divo

(2008)

It’s like “Snatch”and “Being There” meets “A Man For All Seasons” and boy is it ever smart as hell.

 

Avatar (2009)

Avatar

(2009)

Dances with Wolves in space.

 

Gran Torino (2008)

Gran Torino

(2008)

I just loved this movie and Clint is amazing but then again I’d be grumpy too if I was surrounded by such bad actors all the time.

 

The Other Boleyn Girl (2008)

The Other Boleyn Girl

(2008)

Ham-fisted made-for-tv production makes this not only unwatchable but also makes these sometimes great actors seem like ten year olds who just got handed their first script.

 

Get Smart (2008)

Get Smart

(2008)

How so many funny gags can equal such a tedious movie is something I hope I never actually find out.

 

Payback (1999)

Payback

(1999)

If you’re really in the mood for this kind of thing let me reassure you its one of the dumbest.

 

The Childrens Hour (1961)

The Children’s Hour

(1961)

From boring to irritating then back to boring, then on to frustrating then from there to abysmally depressing, and for quite a while, but then to an okay ending and then WHAM, back to depressing.

 

Postcards From The Edge (1990)

Postcards from the Edge

(1990)

Doesn’t live up to Carrie Fisher as a writer but its still a somewhat goodish movie in a somewhat boring way.

 

Paper Moon (1973)

Paper Moon

(1973)

If you told me you thought this was the greatest movie ever made I wouldn’t actually be able to say you were wrong so I would just say “yeah or Star Wars”

 

The Russians Are Coming (1966)

The Russians Are Coming, The Russians Are Coming

(1966)

Sixties cynicism in small town Americana dressed up in fifties zany hijinx is. pretty darn fun

 

49th Parallel (1941)

49th Parallel

(1941)

Come on, Laurence Olivier,Leslie Howard and Raymond Massey together in a movie can’t be anything but great.

 

Petrified Forest (1936)

The Petrified Forest

(1936)

Holy shizz Gothman was right, this movie is legendary ridiculous powerful genius unforgettable embarrassing can you believe Humphrey Bogart with Leslie Howard and Bette Davis in a sexy dude version of that Edward G. Robinson film Key Largo.

 

To Sir With Love (1967)

To Sir With Love

(1967)

Kind of a dumb little heart-strings-puller with real nifty style.

 

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005)

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

(2005)

The original version is of course one of the greatest movies ever made and I must say that I found the new one where Johnny Depp plays Michael Jackson completely unwatchable.

 

Mata Hari (1931)

Mata Hari

(1931)

Garbo is quite cool but its still just a goofy little ride featuring the goofiest dance number in the history of film, the poor dear.

 

How Green Was My Valley (1941)

How Green Was My Valley

(1941)

I love the Welsh, John Ford, Maureen O’Hara and Roddy Mcdowell but this is still a gruelling two hour bout with near suicidal depression any way you slice it.

 

Idiocracy (2006)

Idiocracy

(2006)

After recently touring the midwest I couldn’t help but think that everyone who came to our shows must feel like Luke Wilson in this movie at least a little bit every day except without the hilarity.

 

Mondovino (2004)

Mondovino

(2004)

It is either interviews with only awful people or only interviews making people look like awful people.

 

Echelon Conspiracy

Echelon Conspiracy

(2009)

Goofy, goofy and goofy.

 

terminator

Terminator Salvation

(2009)

Not a terrible way to spend the afternoon but  the hammiest of ham writing with super mega action budget signified the end of the terminator series for me.

 

The Lion in Winter (1968)

The Lion in Winter

(1968)

The overwritten modern dialogue can’t stop the sheer genius of this overwritten modern dialogue set in the court of Henry II and Elanor of Aquitania.

 

District 9 (2009)

District 9

(2009)

It’s been a week and I still haven’t found the words to describe the thrilling explosive mental genius that I experienced for the first time in my life during the first half of this movie (before the last half of this movie became X-men 9).

 

Let The Right One In (2008)

Let The Right One In (DUBBED)

(2008)

Easily one of the coolest movies I’ve ever seen even though the translation and dubbing sounded like it was done by some first year Romanian ESL students.

 

Marjoe (1972)

Marjoe

(1972)

With the assistance of the fast forward button this became quite an interesting short film.

 

Withnail & I

Withnail & I

(1987)

SECOND REVIEW : I don’t just love this movie I want to BE this movie so from now on can everyone just call me Courtney “Withnail and I” Taylor-Taylor or something?.

 

Easy Money (1983)

Easy Money

(1983)

Rodney was totally hysterical back in the day but for any number of reasons this movie totally isn’t.

 

Family Guy Star Wars

Family Guy Star Wars

(2007)

I couldn’t help it I watched it three time in one week and laughed til I cried every time.

 

Che (2008)

Che

(2008)

I really wanted to know the story of Che but I couldn’t even make it thirty minutes into this lo budget thing which looks and feels like it’s only “pretty good” for a new style Mexican soap opera.

 

The Wrestler (2008)

The Wrestler

(2008)

The only thing more depressing than a movie about a guy who fucks everything up is a movie about a guy who fucks everything up then dies.

 

ronin

Ronin

(1998)

Even the ham-fisted writing, scoring and sometimes editing cant stop Robert DeNiro and several other great actors from entertaining you for around 100 minutes of “okay, let’s have another  car chase….um, again”.

 

STAR TREK (2009)

Star Trek

(2009)

Not only is this amazing (in spite of the cheap drama of Kirk getting the crap beat out of him for about two solid hours) but more importantly it will go down as the greatest feat of casting in the history of sci-fi geekdom.

 

The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance (1962)

The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance

(1962)

No matter how much high school stage performance is going on here, I could watch Lee Marvin, John Wayne and Jimmy Stewart for another six to eight hours easy.

 

I am Legend (2007)

I Am Legend

(2007)

I don’t usually dig on horror flicks or Will Smith so much but I must say that something here worked for me.

 

Coraline (2009)

Coraline

(2009)

Directed by Henry Selick

Every frame is a work of art, and when viewed in this order they became very, very boring.

 

Entrapment (1999)

Entrapment

(1999)

Directed by Jon Amiel

I watched this one the night after watching the Avengers and although they are turds of distinctly different colors, the one thing they have in common is that I couldn’t make it to the end of either.

 

Avengers (1998)

The Avengers

(1998)

Oh puh-leez can’t you just all shut up and get on with the movie.

 

City of Ember (2008)

City of Ember

(2008)

If I was nine years old when I saw this I wouldn’t have thought it was a piece of shit, I’d have thought it was a piece of poo.

 

The Dark Knight (2008)

The Dark Knight

(2008)

Every scene Heath wasn’t in made me wish he was.

 

Quantum of Solace (2008)

Quantum of Solace

(2008)

Besides this looking like it was made for tv, the bits of plot that they strung together here made about as much sense as the title.

 

Tropic Thunder (2008)

Tropic Thunder

(2008)

I heard a lot of “well I guess there’s some funny parts” but personally I thought it was absolutely genius.

 

sand-fog

House of Sand and Fog

(2003)

Just because this film is nearly perfect doesn’t mean I’m not going to say “Fuck this movie and it’s total bullshit needlessly depressing ending”.

 

Silent Movie

Silent Movie

(1976)

The interesting thing here is to watch a silent color film and it just happens that every couple hours or so they throw in a pretty funny gag.

sluaghter5

Slaughterhouse Five

(1972)

Okay, I just can’t seem to think of any clever way to say how knocked out I am by the genius on every level (ie cinematography, casting editing etc.) of this adaptation of the Vonnegut classic.

 

oldjoy

Old Joy

(2006)

This is some of the best writing ever and once Will Oldham comes in, this movie explodes out of it’s hard to watch local Indie first few minutes.

 

1976-starisborn

A Star is Born

(1976)

I laughed a couple times what with the kitch and all but mostly you just almost hurl.

 

fyc

For Your Consideration

(2007)

A couple not very believable characters get this one off to a rough start but by the time they get around to basically making fun of MILK I was in actual hysterics.

simpsons

The Simpsons Movie

(2008)

Yep, still awesome.

 

solaris

Solaris

(2002)

Proof that Russians working out deeply philosophical relationship problems in space is no less boring than doing it on Earth.

 

i robot

I, Robot

(2004)

Okay, if you start this movie nine minutes and forty seconds in and you mute the sound every time the beautiful dark-haired woman speaks, you too might love this movie as much as I.

 

punchdrunklove

Punch Drunk Love

(2002)

I doubt if I could truly like a person who doesn’t love this unfortunately titled masterpiece.

 

elizabeth

Elizabeth

(1998)

Even with a great showing by Blanchett, this was more embarrassing more often than any movie ever.

 

8mm

8mm

(1999)

Damn this is one hard and dark son of a bitch.

 

The Legend of God’s Gun

(2007)

Go ahead rush out and buy this but don’t put it on til you’re good and drunk.

 

Good Sheperd

The Good Shepherd

(2006)

This movie is just okay, but if you’re trying to fall asleep and can’t, it’s a godsend.

 

GA Rule

Georgia Rule

(2007)

It took being trapped in a Mobile Alabama hotel room at 3am to find out that thirty minutes into it, the actors start way kicking ass in this dialogue marathon.

 

foul

Foul Play

(1978)

Oh man this is like the episode of Matlock I always dreamed of.

 

stalingrad

Stalingrad

(1993)

how much is it gonna run me to have this incredible movie dubbed into english so that i can watch it instead of read it?

 

klaus

My Best Fiend Klaus Kinski

(1999)

Well now I don’t like Kinski or Herzog or that actor lady who says stupid shit like “Kinski was a very intuitive actor… and so am I”

 

ed

Seabiscuit

(2003)

Shitbiscuit.

 

cloverfield

Cloverfield

(2008)

I wish I could shake the hand of every person who worked on this amazing movie and ask them why it’s called Cloverfield.

 

100000

10,000 B.C.

(2008)

I’m confused and delighted at how well they pulled off this dumb idea for a movie.

 

ned_kelly

Ned Kelly

(2003)

I really wanted to like this movie but it seemed to be written by an eight year old and scored by someone way too special.

 

darkcity

Dark City

(1998)

Kids this is why we put little breaks between the bits of soundtrack music.

 

Designing Woman

(1957)

If you’re making a Cary Grant film, don’t get Gregory Peck.

 

withnail

Withnail and I

(1987)

The English at their Englishy best.

 

grizz

Grizzley Man

(2005)

I am horrified at how much of myself I see in this delusional retard who gets eaten by bears.

PS: From Pete: You mean “The Gay Guy And The Bears Who Eat Him”? PPS: From Sarah Jane: I didn’t like it cuz it’s just Anton goes and lives with the bears until they eat him.

 

match

Match Point

(2005)

If you time it right and sleep through the first half, you will awaken to one of the greatest psycho-thrillers of all time.

 

water

The Lady in The Water

(2006)

The scary thing about this movie is that the funniest parts weren’t meant to be funny.

 

53m

Once Upon A Time In The West

(1968)

Long and boring, but at least it has a stupid ending.

 

32m

Gandhi

(1982)

This powerful and compelling story appears to have been filmed for television.

 

eve

All About Eve

(1950)

How is it that one can see Bette Davis kick ass in the greatest feat of theatrical writing since Oscar Wilde for less than five bucks.

 

littlemiss

Little Miss Sunshine

(2006)

A kinder, gentler Tenenbaums.

 

06m

Day of the Jacakl

(1973)

A no-bullshit European style thriller that is actually thrilling.

 

90m

Arthur

(1981)

Ham fisted does not even begin to describe the dialogue in this visually stunning epic.

 

constant

The Constant Gardener

(2005)

The shittiest movie I’ve seen in a while.

 

The Aviator

(2004)

Unwatchable.

 

fockers

Meet The Fockers

(2004)

It boasts a cleverer title AND it made me less uncomfortable than Meet The Parents

 

The Butterfly Effect

(2004)

Ashton Kutcher’s acting is a bit stop and go but the writer here is some kind of genius.

 

Road House

(1989)

I don’t know about this whole campy ‘Patrick Swayze revival’ thing, but for me this one is right up there with Polyester

 

Jeremiah Johnson

(1972)

Just because Gregg Williams grows a beard and tells everyone to watch this doesn’t actually mean you should.

 

Cold Mountain

(2003)

In the end, I am left wondering how so much can amount to so little.

 

Pee Wee’s Big Adventure

(1985)

At the time this movie was made, Paul Ruebens was clearly the smartest man in the world.



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2016 // DIR: Mark Helfrich // STAR: Joe Dallesandro


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